Wednesday, 11 September 2013


spur of vomit

I've never been one to pen down thoughts in words, but I guess I should once in a while. As the title suggests, more like vomit rucking up a storm. Ease up a little, let go some more. Show a vulnerable side once in a while perhaps (hah!) whatever. IDK now's probably the moment or I guess I never will. I've been meaning to blog about things but never seem to get round to them y'know? And when I do words then fail me and I struggle to compose those sentences that I had in mind just a while ago. So I'm just gonna whack it here and let the flow go this time round whether it makes sense or not IDC really.  Maybe someday I'll look back on this entry and have a nice chuckle (or cringe).

So let's start with being 'busy' with the daily life. What is daily life really? Work, exercise, family and friends. I honestly am not the friendliest kid round the block so naturally I don't have many friends to begin with. At the same time, most of my friends are already attached so weekends are basically reserved for their gf/bf time. In other words, friends in relationships become boring people. Been there, done that, feeling the shit for myself now. Can't be helped though, but I get bored so let me whine about it. And that pretty much leaves me with work, exercise, family and me time really. Busy? Nope. But it's sufficient. For now. Family has been hard in the past thanks to my rebellious streaks, but I guess I've grown up that little and have learnt to appreciate family time more. Been shopping for home decor a lot lately with my mom, I'm teaching her how to place photo frames and posters in that fancy smanchy way. Digging through old photos of mom and dad and the sisters. I bet dad would be swelling with happiness knowing that. Me time is always a cherished moment, curling up with a book and nursing a warm latte. But too much of it could bore my tits to tears. Sometimes even IDK what I want it's annoying.

Exercising on a daily basis is seemingly going strong still (I hope), thus a little more to look forward to. Setting goals for yourself is just another step. Baby steps. Been obsessing over Tumblr a lot lately for inspiration and motivation to werk it. Not easy, but still gets me going. I appreciate the amount of time I have in being able to commit to this. And I need it to work out. Resolutions don't usually come up this late, but IDC I'll take this exception and make it work by the year end. Cliche as it sounds, but hey, YOLO.

Work is still mundane as ever but now's not the time to consider a change what with year end bonuses coming round and holidays to pay for. Greedy much, but I'm still staying put for it. Maybe I'll use some to bring my mom for a short trip or something. Maybe. Taiwan trip is approaching fast this year end. Never been keen on the place, but I'll try to make the most out of it. I'm hoping that the trip will be swell and well spent, fingers crossed. Tried out for an interview for a huge opportunity earlier this year but they never got back despite the initial kind words of positive feedback. It was rather a(nother) big disappointment, but I guess things are just not meant to be sometimes. Perhaps next year will be a better one and I'll need to make sure it is by doing something about it. Change is always at the back of my mind, but never one to push the limits nor taking risks it seems like change will be harder than said. I recently read this article which really tugged at a piece of me.

Most fears keep us at arm’s length like that: we back down at just the idea of doing something nerve-wracking. The fear has done its job — to keep us from going there — and so we don’t look any closer at what it is we’re really afraid of about that idea. .....
..... Each of us has a whole bank of awful moments in our memories, each of which are so painful that we can’t accept that we could experience the same pain again. 
When you feel fear, take that as a reminder to bring curiosity to the moment. Something new is on the other side of it. If you act in spite of the fear, something exciting is going to go down. Nine times out of ten you’ll end up gaining some situational benefit, and ten times out of ten, you’ll feel stronger immediately. ..... Think of what a powerful notion that is: fear is fun.
Have fun today. 
(Source: Why Your Fears Won't Come True by David Cain)

Interesting piece. Definitely somethings that strikes close to home. And it sets you thinking. To throw aside everything, be it your job, family or friends (well, temporarily at least) to experience something altogether new. A new challenge. Risk taking. No expectations. To be frank it's not an easy step, and like the article mentioned fear is never far from thoughts. I don't know what to think of it, and I suspect I'll never really go through any such 'change'. At most I'd probably just stick to a few more small scripted tattoos or a pierced nipple for self satisfaction IDK. Whatever. I don't always like thinking, though I tend to think too much. Thinking makes me want to smoke, and smoking is bad for you. Approaching 26 next year, and I am frankly starting to panic. Adult life sucks sometimes, let's be honest. Its always just easier choosing between toys as a kid than making choices in life. Adulthood just smacks you there and then, bam. 

Speaking of which, should I be panicking about my single status too? WTH are there so many things to ponder about..? Friends and family have been badgering me about it. Even my beautician at the facial spa tells me to find someone already. I'm frankly not sure about this. My point is, why the need to 'find someone' though? This topic doesn't come easily to me since I easily like to fend it off at most times, but I guess I should speak of both ways of my thoughts. I've been single for more than two years now, the longest I have ever been since my teenage years. Back then, any boy could have easily been a boyfriend/steady/crush. And we're obviously (should be) past that. I guess I should say that since the break a lot has changed and I should be thankful for that. In many ways I'm stronger and more thoughtful. The occasional sour puss in me does react now and then but it never lasts long. I'll be honest here though, there are days when I go through the 'I am such a loner' or 'why do all my friends have a gf/bf but me' phase which digs into that envious side of mine. Sometimes I see old people holding hands and sigh to myself, and maybe I think about about how it used to feel like cuddling. I don't like talking about it cause it obviously puts me in 'bad' light aka vulnerable girly shit. But I am a girl afterall so that sort of shit sticks. However, most days I just live by like a free soul, thankful for the independence and 'no man, no cry' theory which sets me in superwoman power mode, looking up to the likes of Condalisa Rice or some random singleton celebrity. No one to report to, and no money issues (past experience) to deal with. Except, I haven't got the riches like them. IDK which thought is more ridiculous or sad really.
As a kid, I used to think that I would want to get married by 24 and kids by 25/26. Not exactly the ideal case right now, nor practical. Breakups make you look at things in another perspective. No regrets, just lessons learnt. And life is short and unpredictable, not a bed of roses like how fairy tales tell'em. You fall, you get hurt, you pick up again, you move on. That's the way to it. IDK if I'll ever be attached again, and given such length since and living my current carefree style IDK if I'd ever be used to it. Attraction doesn't come easily to me, and I have long since thought to be careful about feelings per se. Neither do I have a mass male selection at the moment. And I've been told that my face resembles more like a 'sia lan' gangster most of the time so hardly inviting. I digress, but those are their words against mine. I suppose only time will tell. Right now, Tumblr is pretty much my best friend. And please don't tell me to 'find someone'. I just don't work that way. I know I don't have the widest social circle, but to 'find someone' just screams desperation really. And I don't just settle for any Tom, Dick or Harry, I mean really now. And being fickle that I am, I haven't really come to terms what or who I want, but for sure I don't settle for anything less. Not to mention that I'm a traditional girl, I dig boys going after the lady. In ways it may not work out well for me, and maybe I'll be that spinster that we all used to joke about. But then it may be just meant to be. We'll joke about it again when we get there.

(pic sources: various tumblrs)

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