stark

Iron Man.

I can't even.

Need more of you, Stark.

are you happy?

.... is such a difficult question. I always say yes, because I have friends, I laugh at jokes, I go out a lot and have fun. My life isn't as bad as it could be, and I don't have terrible problems. It could be worse.

But then, one night at 3 a.m.when I'm alone and still awake, lying in bed and thinking about life, I find myself crying my heart out. Suddenly I'm convinced that nobody likes me, or nobody will ever like me. I feel horrible and I question everything I had.

And I don't know if I was ever happy at all.

(sf.)

ponder wonders

Sup.

I've been thinking. Thinking a lot. I always do when I'm left on my own, which is pretty much all of the time. And times, people say I think too much. I choose to leave it as imagination. Things that matter, and ones that don't, taking them all in. Mmm. I digress.

Close to a year its been since I started a new journey, and yet I'm still left just as unfulfilled as before. As I've mentioned before, I've been blessed throughout my work life journey to meet some of the best people. No regrets there. But while I stay consumed in the heartwarming feel of comfort, there still lays the dissatisfaction of what's been achieved thyself thus far. You and I know the high expectations in life, and working towards it will not be as easy as spoken. My point is, there comes again the time to make changes. One helluva agonizing trip, but nonetheless vital. I need more. I need change.

I wonder, wonder.

facts 101

01: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. 

Single for 2 years now. Things have never been better.

02: Where you’d like to be in 10 years. 

I'd like to think I would still look like how I am now. Soaring career at great heights, shitloads of money to pay bills and feed my family. Probably wouldn't mind an adorable husband in tow.

Satisfaction.

03: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 

Bleugh on both. But alcohol wouldn't kill once in a while, so long as you don't kill the liver. YOLO.

04: Your views on religion.

I respect all, but own none.

05: A time you thought about ending your own life. 

Never.

06: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. 

Self-proclaimed shopaholic I can't stop. I lust for Ryan Gosling. Abso-fucking-lutely hate roaches. I read a lot. I love alone times at a simple cafe nursing a cuppa. I can't stop watching videos on YouTube. I keep videos running while surfing the net just for the sake of having something on. I don't like watching TV. I am Canadian. Once I start a movie/novel series, I have to finish it even if I dislike it (Fifty Shades, you suck). I loved The Lord Of The Rings so much I watched the movies thrice. I'm ashamed to be of the K-pop fad clan, but I adore Big Bang's T.O.P (them brows!). K drama serials leave me sappy and really sad when they're over. I think I have a violent streak in me (beware asswipe train commuters). I plan my outfits for travel every single time, hence the over-packing. I cannot live without Japanese food in my life. Coffee Bean's Caesar Salad (with smoked salmon) is the absolute favorite. I cry a lot for no reason. I miss my dad a lot. I think I have a rather high tolerance for pain. I may portray the image of a bad girl, but really, I could really be a Miss Goody-Two-Shoes. I'm a constant worrywart. I dig piercings and ink, though not overly so. I'm quite the miser. I buy too many heels which I can't wear cause my feet hurt. I own like, 5 mascaras, I don't know why. I secretly love watching the Kardashians. Brunch is my favorite meal of the day. I only listen to rap, R&B and house. I fucking hate ginger, onions and garlic (YUCK).

07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. 

Gemini. Go figure.

08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life. 

Praise for your efforts and hard work.

09: How you hope your future will be like. 

Refer to 2.

10: Discuss your first love and first kiss. 

Best and worst memories. First kiss was sloppy, yuck.

11: Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Can't be bothered to.

12: Bullet your whole day. 

- Groggily awaken by "Don't You Worry Child" alarm tone

- Skipped breakfast cause I had a health screening lined up

- Cooked and packed instant Indo mee (yum!) for lunch cause I'm a miser

- Late for work (no suprise there)

- Surfed the whole world wide web (work is that boring y'all)

- Jabbed for health screening test

- Left arm is left kinda sore

- Read up blogs for upcoming BKK trip (!!)

- Boring day ahead

- Bored enough to be doing this (duh)

13: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit. 

I need to visit way TOO many places - New York, Orlando, California, San Francisco, London, Italy, Paris, Amsterdam, Spain, Prague...... You name it, I want it.

I wouldn't mind moving to Japan. Or Canada.

14: Your earliest memory. 

Dad. Always.

15: Your favorite tumblrs.

Too many.

16: Your views on mainstream music.

Too trendy.

17: Your highs and lows of this past year. 

Low, getting in terms with new found independence and self assurance. High, switching jobs and standing on Japan soiled grounds.

18: Your beliefs. 

Myself.

19: Disrespecting your parents. 

Did so a lot, and not proud to have done so.

20: How important you think education is. 

If it actually helps, great. Common sense would be more lasting though.

21: One of your favorite shows. 

The Vampire Diaries. Damon Salvatore, mmmm yum.

22: How have you changed in the past 2 years? 

Less horizontally challenged. Independence struck the raw deal for me, and from there I've learnt what I've become to be.

23: Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive. 

Ryan Gosling (duh!), T.O.P (from Big Bang), Hugh Jackman, Daniel Wu, Ian Somerhalder.

edit// +++ Robert Downey Jr (j'adore!)

24: Your favorite movie and what it’s about. 

The Notebook. McAdams and Gosling, end of story.

25: Someone who fascinates you and why. 

No one does right now.

26: What kind of person attracts you. 

Smart, loyal, charismatic, driven, and with height. Wouldn't hurt to be cute too. We all love to be gooey about that.

27: A problem that you have had. 

I really think I need to switch jobs again.

28: Something that you miss.

Travels. Food in Japan. Fall weather. Wearing layers. My bed. Cuddles.

29: Goals for the next 30 days. 

Plan for BKK. New piercing. Exercise. Attempt to save (been splurging for the past months). Think about career choices. Update my resume. 

30: Your highs and lows of this month. 

Mundane daily routines. Surprise me, please.

picture perfection

I keep having the same conversation over and over. It starts like this: “I gave up Facebook for Lent, and I realized I’m a lot happier without it.” Or like this, “Pinterest makes me hate my house.” Or like this: “I stopped following a friend on Instagram, and now that I don’t see nonstop snapshots of her perfect life, I like her better.”

Yikes. This is a thing. This is coming up in conversation after conversation. The danger of the internet is that it’s very very easy to tell partial truths—to show the fabulous meal but not the mess to clean up afterward. To display the smiling couple-shot, but not the fight you had three days ago. To offer up the sparkly milestones but not the spiraling meltdowns.

I’m not anti-technology or anti-Internet, certainly, but I do think it’s important for us to remind ourselves from time to time that watching other peoples’ post-worthy moments on Facebook is always going to yield a prettier version of life than the one you’re living right now. That’s how it works.

WHEN YOU’RE WAITING FOR YOUR COFFEE TO BREW, THE MAJORITY OF YOUR FRIENDS PROBABLY AREN’T DOING ANYTHING ANY MORE SPECIAL. BUT IT ONLY TAKES ONE FRIEND AT THE EIFFEL TOWER TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER.

My life looks better on the Internet than it does in real life. Everyone’s life looks better on the internet than it does in real life. The Internet is partial truths—we get to decide what people see and what they don’t. That’s why it’s safer short term. And that’s why it’s much, much more dangerous long term.

Because community—the rich kind, the transforming kind, the valuable and difficult kind—doesn’t happen in partial truths and well-edited photo collections on Instagram. Community happens when we hear each other’s actual voices, when we enter one another’s actual homes, with actual messes, around actual tables telling stories that ramble on beyond 140 pithy characters.

But seeing the best possible, often-unrealistic, half-truth version of other peoples’ lives isn’t the only danger of the Internet. Our envy buttons also get pushed because we rarely check Facebook when we’re having our own peak experiences. We check it when we’re bored and when we’re lonely, and it intensifies that boredom and loneliness.

When you’re laughing at a meal with friends, are you scrolling through Pinterest? When you’re in labor with your much-prayed-for-deeply-loved child, are you checking to see what’s happening on Instagram? Of course not. We check in with our phones when it seems like nothing fun is happening in our own lives—when we’re getting our oil changed or waiting for the coffee to brew.

It makes sense, then, that anyone else’s fun or beauty or sparkle gets under our skin. It magnifies our own dissatisfaction with that moment. When you’re waiting for your coffee to brew, the majority of your friends probably aren’t doing anything any more special.

But it only takes one friend at the Eiffel Tower to make you feel like a loser.

I’m a writer. I use Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest and my blog as part of my professional life—as a way to connect with readers and be part of a conversation that we’re creating together, a conversation about creativity and faith and writing and parenting and community and life around the table. It’s a lovely conversation, and part of my work involves reading many blogs and commenting on lots of photos and scrolling through status after status.

Some days it feels rich and multi-faceted. I learn and I’m inspired. I find recipes I want to try and stories I want to live. I feel connected and thankful to be part of such an intelligent and creative internet community.

And then on some days, I feel like I have nothing to offer, like I must be the only one who isn’t a graphic designer and hasn’t yet managed to display her entire darling life online with lots of chevron and mint accents. I feel so certain that my life is a lot less darling than other peoples’ lives.

But that’s the Internet. The nature of it. I so easily fall prey to the seduction of other people’s partial truths and heavily filtered photos, making everything look amazing. And their amazing looking lives make me feel not amazing at all.

Let’s choose community. Let’s stop comparing. Let’s start connecting.

Some days when I sit down at my laptop, instead of choosing to be an observer via Facebook, I choose to be a friend via email. Instead of scrolling through someone else’s carefully curated images, I use those few seconds to send a text to a person I really know and really love and really want to be connected to.

It’s not about technology or not. I’m not suggesting you get all old-school-pen-and-paper about it (unless that’s your thing.) It’s about connecting instead of comparing. Instead of using the computer to watch someone else’s perfectly crafted life, enter into someone’s less-than-perfect life. You can use Facebook if you want, but you might find email, Skype and phone calls work better.

USING TECHNOLOGY TO BUILD COMMUNITY INSTEAD OF BUILDING CAREFULLY-CURATED IMAGES OF OURSELVES IS AN OPTION, AND A WORTHWHILE ONE.

The distinction I’m making is public vs. private, not in person vs. long distance. I have very close, very honest friendships that depend on phone calls and Skype dates and long wandering emails, and I’m thankful that technology allows for those connections. But I don’t think you can build transforming friendships that take place only in a public sphere like Facebook or Instagram.

For many of us, walking away from the Internet isn’t an option. But using it to connect instead of compare is an option, and a life-changing one. Using technology to build community instead of building carefully-curated images of ourselves is an option, and a worthwhile one.

And on the days when you peer into the screen of your laptop and all you see are other people’s peak experiences that highlight your lack in that moment, remember that life isn’t about the story you tell about yourself on the Internet. It’s about a million more beautiful and complex things than that, like love and faith and really listening. It’s about using what you’ve been given to craft a life of gratitude and passion and grace.

Remember that the very best things in life can’t be captured in status updates.

by SHAUNA NIEQUIST

mental checklist

So surprisingly I'm pretty damn excited about Bangkok this coming June. I'm usually not all that hyper about places I've been to, unless left with extraordinary memories. It could also possibly be that I finally have something on this year again, woohoooo (Taiwan this year end)! It would be my second trip there, after what, three long years? Memories have faded into a haze since then. It's been so long, and I'm excited to be heading there again after this while. We got our tickets off Zuji (hoping no hiccups there), and finally for once I'm not flying via budget airlines and I'm ecstatic for the change. All this while I've been planning what to do there that I've yet to try. I'm not really the sort who digs all that Bangkok fashion, but I dare say the place has its hidden gems there if you bother digging. And just so you know, I actually have a checklist for this upcoming trip. Am I 'kiasu', or am I just 'kiasu'?

☐ Greyhound red velvet waffles - I'm determined to feast on these beauties.

☐ Route66 - I've been dying to check out the scenes, and this is the chance.

☐ Massages - Oh god, I've been dying for them. I'll make sure to do one every single day I don't even care if I'm sore.

☐ Nails - Cheapest shit ever, duh?

☐ Hair - I might just consider some blow drying there. I'd be a queen there, like why not? I need my perfect hair.

☐ Famous Wanton Mee & Chicken Noodle Soup. & more foooooooooooooood.

☐ Coconut ice cream - dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, like seriously.

☐ Erawan Shrine - I need all the luck I can get!

☐ Shopping - I usually hate bargaining, but its time I try (I tend be rather bitchy at it, mm). I can't bear to pay much for BKK stuff cause I'm judgmental and a miser like that. And I'll make sure to dig for gold this time round.

☐ Post holiday major diet - ugh for sure, SIGH.

So, are we ready?

we are excited people

 picture: source

It's confirmed bitches.

Bangkok in June.

Holy hell, I can't wait! It's gonna be smashin'. Time to party, people.