♥

There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.

-- Emery Allen   (via c-oquetry) 

Love will never be like it’s shown in the movies. It’s a trap and we all fall for it that’s why relationships take an early end these days because they can’t reach the expectations we have and we have them because of all those movies that teach us the wrong things. We fall for those ideals like kissing in the rain and running after someone and finally finding the right words but this is as wrong as the ideals itself because kissing under summer rain isn’t as special as kissing under the shower. And I would have used the right words if I could but I never ran after her because I was afraid and no words could have healed what I have broken. Maybe my feet would have been running after her when there would also have been some dramatic music that made up the suspense and maybe with that music in the background the right words would have come floating out of my lips like a waterfall. But there has never been this background music I waited for because this is life and not a god damn movie and I will probably never find the right words to turn it all around, instead I will just stand here and watch everything fall apart and say nothing at all and realize that I’m my own director and right know I’m making a better movie about the real love than anybody ever has because there is no assurance of a happy end in this love, just like it is in reality.

-- Elay Neal Moses   (via c-oquetry) 

Advice.

out with the old; in with the new.

Anddddddd I'm back. Again a rather bittersweet feeling whenever I end a trip, the feeling of relief to be cozied up in my own comfortable bed and space, and the longing to stay just that bit longer on the other side. Ended the year of 2013 with a bang and now it's back to reality (BOOHOOHOO). Slightly dozing off at my desk here so I thought why not type up a post to keep them senses awake. I'm still very much exhausted from my trip and photo-editing is still in progress, so the sharing bits will have to wait. For now, reflections.

Let's not get all too dramatic on the case cause the year has been rather simple for me throughout. Looking back on 2013, it's been rather smooth sailing and therefore I can't help but feel blessed. Nothing is ever exciting on the work front, but I do feel lucky to be left to my own devices and yet still a supportive boss and team so that was pretty much all that mattered. The past years I've always promised myself to travel at least thrice a year (1 long haul, 2 short getaways), and for 2013 was no exception. In January, I traveled to Bali with a huge group of friends. Although sadly I've drifted off from them, I had my share of fun then. In June it was kind of an impromptu trip for one of the best friends and I to Bangkok. After years since my last trip there and with all the hype from fellow Singaporeans, I thought that a revisit was definitely in check. And since then, I'm already thinking of when the next one will be cause I can't wait to go back. And finally the grand trip for the year, Taiwan. A duration of 11 days, obviously it was the long trip to end off the year. Can't say much of my enthusiasm at first, but I was still warmed by the people (and my travel companions) and loved the weather. Every trip is always a learning experience, and this one was no exception of a worthy stamp on the passport.

On the emotional side, I can't say that my spirits were always at my best. I like to think and I like to ponder, and many times I'm just an old worrywart. But I get over them soon enough and pick myself up again. The half past year has been quite an awesome one for me. I decided to ditch the whole 'get skinny' mentality and took on the 'keep fit' challenge. Since then, I've been following my Jillian Michaels routines on a timely manner. I haven't actually lost any weight, but my body definitely feels more toned up and I'm happy to keep up with that. My recent holiday has slowed me down since I stopped during the period, and I've been feeling so sluggish I can't wait to get back on track. On the beauty side, I realized that I started being more daring with my looks too. I've stuck on actually using the loud lipstick shades (orange, deep set pink) to work, and in November I decided to chop off my long locks. Impulsive decisions sometimes make a good decision. Speaking of which, just before my trip last month I made the final impulsive decision to get my new piercing once and for all. Having thought of it for over a year, I guess it was go or no go. Well, what the hell let's do it. Don't care about others cause I love it and that's all that matters. Glad I finally got that one out of the way, bucket list checked. And last but not least, in a moment of frustration and realization, I took it upon myself to book a trip to Korea this May, solo. With 99% of my friends attached, broke, uninterested, or doing boring stuff like saving for mortgage, etc... I was pretty sick of waiting for a travel mate. It dawned to me that I could try it out on my own, and well, I went for the idea and booked myself a plane ticket. Baby steps since I'm not all out to conquer the world, and Korea is pretty safe so I'm thinking it's a good start. Let's just hope that it turns out a successful trip anyway.

And that pretty much sums up everything. Another year gone, can't believe that I'm hitting the big 3-0 soon. The age 26 is probably my last count for young age, no prize for guessing what I'll be stocking up most in Korea then. No resolutions this new year, instead I plan on sticking to those I've already planned and kept for the previous year. The bucket list, as always, is extensive.

Cheers to the new year, let's get ready to roll. To a better year.

Perfect.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be happy.

I want be the feeling.
I want to be the thrill during roller coasters rides.
I want to be the peace before sleep takes over the mind.
I want to be the cheer after a job well done.
I want to be the butterflies of a first kiss.
I want to be the passion behind marriage vows.

Let me be the emotion,
so you can’t be without me
every time you listen to that song,
discover the light in the darkness,
hear your name slip from your lover’s lips,
and receive kisses and hugs.

I want to be the admiration and triumph.
I want to be the feeling
when parents see their baby for the first time,
when the sun kisses the horizon,
when blissful memories are made,
when you go on merry-go-rounds,
when life treats you the best hand there is.

The opposite of grief.
The reverse of unworthiness.
The contrary to helplessness.
The inverse of disappointment.
The antithesis to fear.
The contradiction to pain.

So, ask me again
what I want to be when I grow up.

 —by Natasha J., Happiness (NJ.)

Humans.

Today was one of those days that struck as a bad day. Not the worst kind, but none the pleasant anyway. On usual days I could be easily annoyed by any other thing but take a few minutes I pretty much forget anything ever happened. But typically when something strikes a nerve, I kinda go all out on the fuse.

So today:

1) I get a call from some beauty & body care centre called Body Contours. They usually call up randomly once in a blue moon to promote stuff. Today was one the days a call was due perhaps. So this Filipino lady speaks to me in some way slang-ed English which is barely comprehend-able. I hear the name Body Contours and know its some telemarketing call. Instead of wasting both people's time by waiting till the full round of promotion speech ends, I try to interrupt to say the standard reply of that I'm not interested. And guess what? The lady hangs up on me, just like that. Now I tend not to be rude to telemarketers as much as I can unless they push for it, but with the other way just takes it to another level. I am not happy, and I'm ready to be a bitch about it. Let's cut the story short and see below.

Get my point? I don't even care for a compensation or follow up reply, I just want to let them know that their people suck at manners. And that I'm brilliant at providing a catty feedback if I'm bothered to. Talk about motivation huh.

2) It rained real hard today. After I left home. Without an umbrella. D a m n  i t. I had to rush for two beauty appointments today, so I was stuck on braving the rain without cover. There had actually been a kind young dude who offered his brolly (he was heading towards the train station) to anyone. I am pretty sure he gestured to me first since I was right in front of him, but some aunty rushed forward to snatch it from him before I could grab it from him. Seeing that she had a fat kid in tow, I would concede defeat. But she'd been rather rude about it, so that I'm not happy about it either way. Just another day and reason why I hate people sometimes.

3) Like I said, it pretty much rained all day. And I hate rain. I really really hate you rain. (except when I'm curled up in sleep)

4) Met up my mom at Jem after my appointments  for dinner and some shopping. We needed to get a new oven since the old one was pretty much a goner. We ended up getting one from Courts, and the package was huge. And kinda heavy too. So I offered to pay for a cab home instead of lugging the damn thing home. What better way to end the day with some grumpy old cab driver? Tell me about it, cause the old dude barely muttered a single word from start point to destination. No asking of where to, and not even a word of 'thanks' or 'welcome' after I paid for the fare. And I said thank you nonetheless. What a bloody old fart. I probably should've asked him to go get laid cause he sure looked like he hadn't. I mean, what is wrong with people here? And we feign surprise at being told that Singapore has the most miserable people around. Look around, there are too many aplenty.

And that sums up my Saturday. Next time maybe I'll just stick to home with junk food instead.

moving on

As much as I would love to update this space regularly as I thought when I started this, it's pretty evident how uninteresting life is right now and more so, how much of a lazy bum I can be. I know I mention this excuse in pretty much 80% of my posts, but....I just thought to mention again anyway. It is the truth (sadly) after all. Oh, but I did bake some Peanut Butter Crisp Cookies (via SortedFood) over the past weekend. Didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted them to, and I was bummed out by the lack of taste of crisps (calories for nothing!), but they'll make do. Attempting to bake something was something off my bucket list, so there you go. I'm typically lazy, remember? Don't judge.

Anyway, digressions aside I have some exciting updates (at least for me) to share. Aside from the festive moods, we are finally approaching the month of December. Like, f i n a l l y. Another end to another year. Not that I'm too eager to approach my mid-life crisis so soon, but sometimes you just need things in life to happen to keep you going, y'know? Some updates I have planned up to keep me sane:

1) I'm attending ZoukOut this year! Nothing majorly exciting, though it is sort of my first time going to a rave sooooooooo I'm kinda stoked about it. Another tick off the bucket list, yippee! Too bad Avicii won't be performing and I'm bummed out that I missed his set earlier this year. I'm making sure I go for his next one when he's back.

2) Mentioned this a gazillion times already but still, Taiwan trip is coming up real soonnnnnn. Still not hyped about the place I don't get why, but I'm just really eager to step out of SG soil for a breather. I'm hoping damn hard that I don't binge too hard there, cause working out is sooooooo hard. Looking forward to the cool weather but hopefully I don't freeze my ass off like I did in Japan last year (bbbrrrrr). And and and, I'm so gonna hate packing my luggage I already know it.

3) I think I already mentioned this a few posts back, but I'm heading to Korea next May. Alone. Whoooooo FISTPUMP! Booked my direct flights with Asiana Airlines. And I've been doing research so hard these days and I'm super stoked about a solo (Seoul-o, get it?) trip. First attempt to many more I hope. I actually thought of visiting Vietnam too at some point, but I still haven't laid out plans for the next year especially if I plan on switching jobs (UGH). So yeah, baby steps for the time being.

4) And impromptu decision, but I am heading to Hong Kong in March. Exactly two years then since I'd last been to the land of dim sum. Didn't think I'd be that much enthusiastic about the place since I've been there twice already, but I've already noted down a list-load of places I need to visit once back there. First off, Ichiran!!!!!! Holy moly you have no idea how much I miss my utmost favorite ramen from Japan. Hong Kong is fucking lucky to have it there now cause I am jealous. So duh, it'll be a must to head there. Missing my favorite Australia Dairy Company breakfast too, mmm scrambled eggs yum. Haven't tried Tim Ho Wan in SG yet either, so if I don't by then, well what better way to try it authentic Hong Kong style then? Bangkok's famous and cool Greyhound Cafe is there too, so I'm eager to taste some amazing pasta again. And not forgetting, stuffing myself senseless with awesome dim sum, true blue HK style.

Not too bad a way to end off the year, eh. I guess I'm kind of an OCD so I like things to be planned out some way or another, and having two trips up my sleeve already does seem like a promising start for now. And I may even plan a trip up to KL for a weekend just to meet up old mates and check out the place again. Can you believe that it's been 12 years since I left there? How time flies. Still unsure on the job front (zzz) but I'm gonna see how it goes after CNY at least to make plans. I really have tons to think over about. Need to stop and figure out where I'm headed. Ah, so much to do, and so little time (& money). The year had better end with a bang.

Just. Do. It.

I've always been one to think and ponder about things, necessary or unnecessary. Sometimes it just feels good to drift off a little and wonder about things out of the norm. Lately has just been another one of those days, sit think and ponder. Work has always been pretty chill, so that leaves me with ample time aside to do my own stuff. Digressing a little here, but don't you think the internet is the best thing ever invented in this world? Well I do. I pretty much spend most of my time on it anyway. Daytime at work, night time at home, anytime on mobile, I'm always on it. People get sick of looking at the computer 5 days a week, but I clearly don't. Such a closet geek. I'd like to consider it my holy grail sometimes, well at least Google is. Too much information beholds, and answers to many more; I could spend hours just surfing endlessly.

Anyway, enough sidetracking - the point of mentioning all that had an explanation. The fact that I spend so much time surfing about everything that could be anything, it has basically opened up a whole lot of information to me just by doing so. Probably with my constant obsession with Tumblr, it struck to me most recently to do some changes in my life. The first thought was to jump on the fitness bandwagon. What better time than now? And thankfully enough, I've managed to sustain till now after two months or so of hard work. Reading up on loads of information online has helped, but I suspect Tumblr is the real reason to my motivation. I mean, have you seen the hot bods posted there? I don't plan to stop yet, and I hope it never does.

Okay, so back to my thinking pods again. What's always been on my mind ever since being single two years ago was the thought of being alone. I'd always been that reliant and sticky girl who needed attending to, so suddenly being single back then scared me a little albeit refreshing.

It seems to me that the years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.

 - Helen Mirren in In the Frame: My Life in Words and Pictures 

Panic attack. Who was I to lean onto? Who could I rely on? Friends around were coupling up themselves and making future plans, and I was back to square one. It was daunting but pretty soon I managed to pick up that independence was liberating all the more. I'm still young, and there's really too much more to see. But there was just one thing. I struck with the travel gene ever since I stepped out of Singapore soil onto Hong Kong gravel (I'd been to other places before but hadn't been as enthusiastic, weirdly), and it's always been an obstacle in me to travel more cause I never seem to be able to find that travel 'companion' to do so. And then, one day while surfing travel blogs (which I dedicate a lot of my time to) it suddenly struck to me that I've been getting it all wrong this whole while. I didn't need a companion to travel across the globe, and I certainly don't need one now either. I'll admit that I'm one of those pussies who tend to worry about everything, and I equally abhor the thought of travelling with backpacks. With those two in mind, I suppose it's been enough to stop me from experiencing the wonders in life. Back on topic, while I still may not have yet to take in the idea of backpacks, I've decided that a solo trip to somewhere could be a good start anyway. The idea in mind: Seoul, the land of Kimchi. Despite my occasional K-drama moments and gushes over beautiful (note the word: beautiful) men, I've gone back and forth on my thoughts of South Korea. An assumption that with just kimchi, cosmetics, and an obsession with plastic surgery, somehow the place has never really took to me much enough to warrant a bad need to visit. Though, I had thought the same with Japan and look how enthralling it turned out to be for me.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

-Lao Tzu

I know I know, Seoul is probably one of best modern cities around and with great transportation systems, it's hardly called much. But baby steps y'know? And I'm hardly ready to backpack through Europe, yet. I plan to take it slow, plus I still need to keep my job to save up more money. As I type this I have already started planning, basically since there's no time to lose. Blogs are always the way to go, and I'm so excited cause I've even pick an awesome hostel for my stay. The next step would be to monitor the air ticket prices like a hawk so that I can snag a good deal. A solo trip, me! I know that I'll probably be scared to my wits by then, but already it feels like it's going to be an amazing experience. Being alone in another foreign land, with people who don't speak your language, and forced to deal with myself, what better way to learn some life lessons from that? To that I say, challenge accepted.

xx

Found this really interesting post on kisses today. Never occurred to me to have that many sorts of emotions brought across with the single touch of lips. Intriguing. Given the sort of GIFs are one of my very favorites on Tumblr, with the added touch of including my all time favorite movie "The Notebook", I felt compelled to share.

 The Innocent

The Crazy Moment

The Midnight Call

The Legendary Kiss

The Drama

Young & So-in-love

The Surprise Kiss

Now or Never

The Heartstopping

The Playful Kiss

... & my all time favorite.

"A kiss that is never tasted,
is forever and ever wasted."

(Source: Fashezine & various Tumblrs)

wreck

Time for a new post just cause I'm slowly dozing off at work (oops) on a lazy Friday afternoon. Hey don't judge, no one works properly when on weekend mode.

Let's talk music here. Lately there's been so much hype and talk over dear Miley's recent 'controversies'. The tongue gestures are a bit much, I agree. On the other hand, her body is rockin' and I kind of don't blame her for wanting to flaunt it. Come to 'Wrecking Ball', so much has been said. It didn't hit me straight when it first leaked, but I gotta admit the song's been rubbing on me recently. Honestly I'm kinda really liking it. IDK really, but nakedness aside, there's so much emotion showing through here. And I've always been a sucker for such irony. It's like you can hear the pain in her voice, which voices the question of perhaps what's she gone through to have come to this point today. So much change. Such need to prove. Baring it all, lyrically and literally. A long-invested relationship comes to an end, there are bound to be self-destruct emotions. A display of strength even though you're really hurting deep down inside. Powerful words that tell so much. Sounds all too familiar. I'm starting to understand the whole transformation drama bit, and frankly speaking, I'm not blaming her for acting so. A part and parcel of life maybe, but nonetheless shouldn't have anyone go through. Hear hear, Miley. Hear hear.

Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was break me

Yeah you, you wreck me

the other sex

Prior to this post we spoke about single statuses and relationships yada yada. The initial idea was to get that post done and over with, and move on. Well seems like the plan failed and it set me into another motion of thinking, again. Thinking, always thinking the cycle never ends. Which is why I'm secretly typing this up while at work while my mind's still fresh on high. And since I'm punching them letters now might as well get over it. Let's start.

So friends and family constantly ask and badger me about my lack of a partner in life. Having been in a previous long relationship of six years back then may have set the idea in them that it was meant to be. It was not, and its been a while not being back in the game. And with age (!!) catching up, you get the gist right? So it ultimately comes down to the conclusion (or speculation if you would call it) that I have too high standards, too choosy for my own good, etc. Why me?! In my defense, I don't see them male species flocking around really so I don't get the fault issue here either. Not to be cynical, but seems like all the good ones have already been snapped up? Let's be real, we all have that ideal Prince Charming from the woods, but in reality they either don't exist or they're already snagged by some other lucky bitch. Boohoo. Which leads us back to the standard question that follows after - what sort of guys do you go for?

umm H A W T-ness overload (!!!)

I kid. You wish.

Swing it around me then. Um, let's just say I could tell you the list of qualities one should have (not in general, but IMO just saying), but we all know that sort of bull-list-shit doesn't really work. Nor do we walk around with mental checklists in our heads while eyeing up potential preys. What happens, happens, fin. I don't even know what sort of 'type' I would go for as I would choose between Givenchy or Stella McCartney. Okay but I guess we all have those certain few desired characteristics that do appeal to our hearts. Let's be honest, who doesn't love a hunk to begin with? Just superficiality of life, it works for me too. Nothing appeals more than a fine jaw, piercing eyes and a fine set of teeth. Well maybe not just that. Oh, and some height would help, cause God help me I'm small enough myself. Personally, I love a little scruff on them boys, or maybe I watch too much Hollywood on CBS and CW Network. Fan-girling is always just up my alley, you don't want to get me started. Oooooookay so superficial assets aside, what else makes the cake (yum)?

Faith - What is the world without faithless men? One too many really. I personally abhor the likes of them, so naturally this point comes first in line. If this trait does not exist in one, its a deal breaker already and nothing else counts. Do not even think about it. Ever.

Chemistry - Hm, tough one. But vital nonetheless. Not easy to achieve, personally, but then again I don't really know. A similar wavelength, common interest and topics to joke/ponder about, etc. Let's be honest - basically someone who can talk and not make me roll my eyes about. A surge of 'butterflies in stomach' as they say? Do people really get that for real?

Intelligence - Nothing speaks louder about a person than personality. You could look like shit and still be charming at the same time, and for that you could still be the luckiest dude on earth. Intelligence we speak here of includes both EQ and IQ. You don't have to be the smartest kid on the block (I'm not that smart either), but knowledge is key. No need for high qualifications or dozen of certificates, what speaks the mind probably sounds more interesting anyway. A great command of English never fails to rock my socks either. EQ is about knowing who, what, how in times of when and where. If that makes sense.

Drive - No rich kids needed. That's just pure sheer luck IMO really. Instead of being handed the goods, why not work hard for it? Like I said, never settle for anything less. Not talking about working to gain the riches or materials in life, but rather setting realistic goals and working towards them. Basically, don't be a  B U M it's that simple. Honestly even declaring a diet and actually sticking by it counts for something.

Confidence - Just being comfortable in yourself, so the chicken in me sometimes would have that support to count on myself. No need for arrogance, that's the fine line there. I know that I tend to be riding that high horse myself sometimes, so challenge me with a debate of fun proves the sexiness I need. Purr.

Style - Tied in with the former, style exudes confidence. I love fashion (way) too much to not have a similar partner in tow. No need for the full gear of get ups really, we're just talking about a l'il spruce up here. No Chinese sport shoes (God forbid) of that sort please, I might just faint from horror.

Curiosity - Curiosity for knowledge is one cause I'm always curious. Documentaries are my secret loves. Or you could put it as being adventurous too, it could run both ways. I myself am not the sort, in fact I'm pretty much a pussy at heart. I want to try new things, but most times 'want' loses out to my dear ol' friend 'procrastination' or 'fear'. Give me someone to pull me out of that comfort zone. Dare I bungy jump, backpack through the streets of India, or just quit my job to go travel for a month? Try me.

(pic sources: Google & various tumblrs)

More words than sense? Mm. So this it. The overall, the gist, the basics. Of course, a l'il romance doesn't hurt since we girls just looooove (even if we say we don't) us some nitty gritty gestures. Are they too much to ask? Perhaps it really does sound like that draw up of a Prince Charming IDK but whatever. Just saying y'know. So mom, if you ever feel the need to ask again, please read this and you'll understand why I'm still single.

spur of vomit

I've never been one to pen down thoughts in words, but I guess I should once in a while. As the title suggests, more like vomit rucking up a storm. Ease up a little, let go some more. Show a vulnerable side once in a while perhaps (hah!) whatever. IDK now's probably the moment or I guess I never will. I've been meaning to blog about things but never seem to get round to them y'know? And when I do words then fail me and I struggle to compose those sentences that I had in mind just a while ago. So I'm just gonna whack it here and let the flow go this time round whether it makes sense or not IDC really.  Maybe someday I'll look back on this entry and have a nice chuckle (or cringe).

So let's start with being 'busy' with the daily life. What is daily life really? Work, exercise, family and friends. I honestly am not the friendliest kid round the block so naturally I don't have many friends to begin with. At the same time, most of my friends are already attached so weekends are basically reserved for their gf/bf time. In other words, friends in relationships become boring people. Been there, done that, feeling the shit for myself now. Can't be helped though, but I get bored so let me whine about it. And that pretty much leaves me with work, exercise, family and me time really. Busy? Nope. But it's sufficient. For now. Family has been hard in the past thanks to my rebellious streaks, but I guess I've grown up that little and have learnt to appreciate family time more. Been shopping for home decor a lot lately with my mom, I'm teaching her how to place photo frames and posters in that fancy smanchy way. Digging through old photos of mom and dad and the sisters. I bet dad would be swelling with happiness knowing that. Me time is always a cherished moment, curling up with a book and nursing a warm latte. But too much of it could bore my tits to tears. Sometimes even IDK what I want it's annoying.

Exercising on a daily basis is seemingly going strong still (I hope), thus a little more to look forward to. Setting goals for yourself is just another step. Baby steps. Been obsessing over Tumblr a lot lately for inspiration and motivation to werk it. Not easy, but still gets me going. I appreciate the amount of time I have in being able to commit to this. And I need it to work out. Resolutions don't usually come up this late, but IDC I'll take this exception and make it work by the year end. Cliche as it sounds, but hey, YOLO.

Work is still mundane as ever but now's not the time to consider a change what with year end bonuses coming round and holidays to pay for. Greedy much, but I'm still staying put for it. Maybe I'll use some to bring my mom for a short trip or something. Maybe. Taiwan trip is approaching fast this year end. Never been keen on the place, but I'll try to make the most out of it. I'm hoping that the trip will be swell and well spent, fingers crossed. Tried out for an interview for a huge opportunity earlier this year but they never got back despite the initial kind words of positive feedback. It was rather a(nother) big disappointment, but I guess things are just not meant to be sometimes. Perhaps next year will be a better one and I'll need to make sure it is by doing something about it. Change is always at the back of my mind, but never one to push the limits nor taking risks it seems like change will be harder than said. I recently read this article which really tugged at a piece of me.

Most fears keep us at arm’s length like that: we back down at just the idea of doing something nerve-wracking. The fear has done its job — to keep us from going there — and so we don’t look any closer at what it is we’re really afraid of about that idea. .....

..... Each of us has a whole bank of awful moments in our memories, each of which are so painful that we can’t accept that we could experience the same pain again. 

When you feel fear, take that as a reminder to bring curiosity to the moment. Something new is on the other side of it. If you act in spite of the fear, something exciting is going to go down. Nine times out of ten you’ll end up gaining some situational benefit, and ten times out of ten, you’ll feel stronger immediately. ..... Think of what a powerful notion that is: fear is fun.

Have fun today. 

(Source: Why Your Fears Won't Come True by David Cain)

Interesting piece. Definitely somethings that strikes close to home. And it sets you thinking. To throw aside everything, be it your job, family or friends (well, temporarily at least) to experience something altogether new. A new challenge. Risk taking. No expectations. To be frank it's not an easy step, and like the article mentioned fear is never far from thoughts. I don't know what to think of it, and I suspect I'll never really go through any such 'change'. At most I'd probably just stick to a few more small scripted tattoos or a pierced nipple for self satisfaction IDK. Whatever. I don't always like thinking, though I tend to think too much. Thinking makes me want to smoke, and smoking is bad for you. Approaching 26 next year, and I am frankly starting to panic. Adult life sucks sometimes, let's be honest. Its always just easier choosing between toys as a kid than making choices in life. Adulthood just smacks you there and then, bam. 

Speaking of which, should I be panicking about my single status too? WTH are there so many things to ponder about..? Friends and family have been badgering me about it. Even my beautician at the facial spa tells me to find someone already. I'm frankly not sure about this. My point is, why the need to 'find someone' though? This topic doesn't come easily to me since I easily like to fend it off at most times, but I guess I should speak of both ways of my thoughts. I've been single for more than two years now, the longest I have ever been since my teenage years. Back then, any boy could have easily been a boyfriend/steady/crush. And we're obviously (should be) past that. I guess I should say that since the break a lot has changed and I should be thankful for that. In many ways I'm stronger and more thoughtful. The occasional sour puss in me does react now and then but it never lasts long. I'll be honest here though, there are days when I go through the 'I am such a loner' or 'why do all my friends have a gf/bf but me' phase which digs into that envious side of mine. Sometimes I see old people holding hands and sigh to myself, and maybe I think about about how it used to feel like cuddling. I don't like talking about it cause it obviously puts me in 'bad' light aka vulnerable girly shit. But I am a girl afterall so that sort of shit sticks. However, most days I just live by like a free soul, thankful for the independence and 'no man, no cry' theory which sets me in superwoman power mode, looking up to the likes of Condalisa Rice or some random singleton celebrity. No one to report to, and no money issues (past experience) to deal with. Except, I haven't got the riches like them. IDK which thought is more ridiculous or sad really.

As a kid, I used to think that I would want to get married by 24 and kids by 25/26. Not exactly the ideal case right now, nor practical. Breakups make you look at things in another perspective. No regrets, just lessons learnt. And life is short and unpredictable, not a bed of roses like how fairy tales tell'em. You fall, you get hurt, you pick up again, you move on. That's the way to it. IDK if I'll ever be attached again, and given such length since and living my current carefree style IDK if I'd ever be used to it. Attraction doesn't come easily to me, and I have long since thought to be careful about feelings per se. Neither do I have a mass male selection at the moment. And I've been told that my face resembles more like a 'sia lan' gangster most of the time so hardly inviting. I digress, but those are their words against mine. I suppose only time will tell. Right now, Tumblr is pretty much my best friend. And please don't tell me to 'find someone'. I just don't work that way. I know I don't have the widest social circle, but to 'find someone' just screams desperation really. And I don't just settle for any Tom, Dick or Harry, I mean really now. And being fickle that I am, I haven't really come to terms what or who I want, but for sure I don't settle for anything less. Not to mention that I'm a traditional girl, I dig boys going after the lady. In ways it may not work out well for me, and maybe I'll be that spinster that we all used to joke about. But then it may be just meant to be. We'll joke about it again when we get there.

(pic sources: various tumblrs)

when it comes to love

Life is really interesting the way it turns out. Especially in the transition from being a child to being an adult. You may escape reality for a while, but it catches you up and scares you from behind. 

What seems like a brilliant love story always has its pain. Nothing turns out as it looks like. Even when anything else seems to be stupid to claim. 

Life is not what you make it, because you have so little power over your own life. 

Ironically enough, others form what you become. Others form where you are, and how you feel. 

And, sadly enough, so many young people have such an amazing view of life - life is what I make it. 

Truth is, you’ll have very little to say. 

I don’t know if I will laugh at this when I get older, but I have discovered that when you see the best in people, you get blinded. You have to be ready to see the best AND worst in people. You can’t ignore the bad sides, the luggage or even the slightest signals. 

Truth is, most of the time, it’s too late. We are so positive as people. We always want to hope for the best, give the best, try our hardest. 

Especially when it comes to love.

Love just seems so lovely. Truly, even after all the awful stories you’ve heard from friends and relatives... even after countless warnings. After countless advise. You still give yourself to someone because you think this significant other is, somehow, different. 

And so it goes. It seems like you have all you ever wanted. It seems like this is it - this is the life, this is the love - your dream has come true, everything is the way it is supposed to be. 

But little by little, reality catches up with you, and before you know it, you are staring into the eyes of a wholly different person. It is almost frightening, how little you know, and what is even more frightening is that you thought you actually knew.

Because after all... this was nothing close to blind love. You know each other’s good and bad sides, you know the pretty and the ugly, you know the habits and you know the stories.

Yet reality, in it’s purest form, still hides behind that imperfect but, yet so cherished person. 

Truth is, we think that our stories are different. That finally, it will make sense. Finally, someone understands and receives in the way that you have longed for. You give everything you have, even what you do not have. 

But nothing about us is different. Just as real as everything else. Disappointment, tears, misunderstanding, grudge, regret, sadness.

Every person that comes into our lives shapes us, creates us. That is, we are a creation of other people. Now meeting another creation, of other people, can form a clash, which happens in every single story. 

What do you, then, do with it, when there is no way back? When the tables are set and the dress is bought, and life is ahead?

There is no regret, but reality certainly does frighten.

(Source:  leloveimage)

strangers

___________

This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that - more often than not - she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate eachother at the end. And you might walk away from eachother one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.

She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.

She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time. 

She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that - gone.Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin.She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

(Source: Ned Hepburn)